March 20th, 2018

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 21): Spring is here! Do something like buy a lotto ticket. And lose. Now you have less money and the weather probably isn’t doing your hair any favors.

Aquarius (Feb 20-March 20): Much like your sign going out of power today, so is your body. Do a work out. Your power needs some lift. Like your wimpy arms and legs.

Aries (March 21-April 20): Are you daydreaming about flowers and spring? Nope, you are not–because all you do is look at your phone. You don’t even take the time to think spring.

Taurus: (April 20-May21): Thank the stars that you don’t have any ambition. The most you outside the box you should do is perhaps start a new show on the television. Probably not even that. Watch something you have seen before.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):  You know that one that got away. They are thinking they dodged a bullet. Celebrate Cupid’s near miss by drinking a glass of water. Did you really think you deserved a good drink?

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Bask in the glory of music. Whatever song that you hear next is your theme song for spring. Relax–all the new tunes out there are amazing, especially if you can’t hear, don’t expect to hear a guitar, or care about talent. Enjoy your theme song.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Quit trying to talk over people. People want to have a conversation with you, but all you do is one-up them. STFU every now and then and listen.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): The movie is always better in your world. You never take time to really see art. It is amazing you aren’t wearing velcro shoes.

Libra (Sep 23-Nov 21): Go through your mail. It is piling up and you don’t get anything good anyway. Throw it all out. There is no joy in mail. Why do you keep so much of it?

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Think spring. Look up camping things and places on the internet. Take 5 seconds to think of homeless and give your change to some homeless. Be at one with them.